It's been a long time since I've written anything. I'll be honest, it's been hard for me to write lately. In June (days after my last post) I began working as a Clinical Pastoral Education Intern at Loyola University Medical Center. It was an amazing experience and I learned a lot about ministry, God, and myself. I am sure that as I continue to process the experience you will hear more about it. Immediately after my internship ended, I began another semester of classes at Catholic Theological Union and traveled on an immersion experience to the Lakota Sioux Indian Reservations in South Dakota. My short time there was very spiritual and moving, a journey that I wish everyone could take. Again, I am sure that I will write about this as I continue to process it.
But I continue after this hiatus with a confession to make... I awkwardly flipped over in my shell again, and it's taken me this long to get back on my feet.My motto for the summer was "Word Hard, Play Hard" because I knew that after an intense day ministering to patients (I was a Chaplain for Women and Children) my temptation would be to go home, sleep, and stagnate. This was a great self-care strategy for my body and my mind, but in the future I will amend it to "Work Hard, Play Hard, PRAY Hard."
This summer I fell into the "ministers' trap". The spiritual activities that I did while "at work" and "for others" were not enough to sustain my own spirit. Compounding on my lack of personal spirit time (I even stopped going to Mass so that I could sleep through Sundays and fight off exhaustion) was the fact that I was ministering in the most intense environment I have yet been called to. I saw my first person die (and then countless others), I saw my first cesarian section birth, I witnessed numerous traumas, and heard countless stories of grief and despair (there was healing too). In summary, I needed Jesus more than I had ever needed him in my ministry... and I forgot to reach out to him. Surely, Jesus was with me but I pretty much forgot about our relationship for awhile there.
As the semester began, and I went to South Dakota and came back, I knew that something wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on it. As a seminary student, I often intersect with prayer, liturgy, and people of faith, but nothing was speaking to me. I was "going through the motions" and deep down I knew it, but I didn't know why. Then I went to look for my Sacred Space book. As my long-time readers know, Sacred Space is my favorite way to pray. The new book comes out in November and it was February and I went to look for my copy... except that I never purchased one... which means that I had not prayed in my favorite way in at least four months. Not a huge deal, because I was sure I had prayed... so I went to get my Rosary... but then I remembered leaving it in a patient's room in the hospital... so I hadn't prayed the Rosary (another of my favorite prayers) in like half a year. Then I ran into Betty, one of the only women at my parish who would recognize if I was gone and she screamed, "CHRIS! I was so worried about you, where have you been?" and as I reflected I realized that I had never really started going back to Mass regularly since the summer, I had only gone about once or twice a month with friends.I went home from seeing Betty determined to pray and reflect on what was going on. As I lit my prayer candle and listened to a Taize song on iTunes, the full picture of my spiritual health came into focus. I was confronted with a sobering reality... I was dead. This realization was a blessing because it is only in recognizing that we are dead that we can ask for new life. "Resurrect me, Lord. Resurrect me." I prayed.
And resurrection is happening. I pray the same for any of you who are or have experienced anything similar. I will keep you updated on this New Life. I would appreciate any prayers and blessings that you folks could send my way.
As for the blog, I plan to continue writing. However, my friend Mark (http://ephremhiphop.tumblr.com/) once told me that a blog should be more a life project than a hobby, so I can't promise any kind of frequency, but reflecting here is another way for me to keep my spirit alive. Thanks for being along on this journey.
I leave you with some song lyrics by Watermark that are really speaking to me lately:
Captivate us, Lord Jesus
Set our eyes on You
Devastate us with Your presence
Falling down
And rushing river, draw us nearer
Holy fountain consume us with You
Captivate us Lord Jesus, with You
Peace turtles!
