5 Songs 5 Stories- Songs I've deeply prayed...

This may be the first of one post like this from me. My intention had been to do a series of 5 Songs 5 Stories posts but this one took me two weeks to write and I'm not sure I'll ever find the courage to write another one. That being said, if YOU would like to write one and post it on your own blog, I would be love to read it, and would be happy to link to it so that others could too!

I would be lost without music. Below are five songs and five stories of how I encountered them in prayer and how each changed my life. I hope you enjoy!

Matt Redman- "Heart of Worship"

When I was 15 years old I went to a Catholic youth leadership camp for the summer. I was entering my sophomore year of high school and had become extremely active in my parish's LIFE TEEN program and in campus ministry at my high school. I was a good kid-- I made good choices, I had good friends who made those choices pretty easy, and I wasn't afraid to talk about my faith. On the other hand I was still a 15 year old kid and had a lot of insecurity, self-doubt, and fear of rejection on the inside. When you are a good 15 year old kid and you share your faith and make good choices people notice you... your friends tell you that you inspire them, your parents and youth ministers say they are proud of you... and over time it becomes more and more humbling to share your faults and your fears with others.

My time at this conference really helped me to understand the struggle and harmony between outward devotion and inner transformation. At a Eucharistic Adoration service during the event Matt Maher played this song, it was the first time I had ever heard it. The song is about coming back to the heart of worship and making things all about Jesus after our pride has led us to worship for our own glory. This wasn't really what was happening with me... but I did realize that if I continued letting others' praise build my pride to the point that I couldn't be honest about my inner struggles then I wouldn't be an authentic disciple. As Matt played this song I started to weep, like the whole burden of continuing to be anything more than who I really was had been lifted. After the service one of the adult leaders, Brian, came up to me and shared how inspired he was by the high school students who had stepped up to witness to their faith despite the struggles we faced. I started crying again (I was kind of moody in high school) because hearing him say that was an affirmation that being honest about the struggle wouldn't let anyone down or make anyone think less of me, but would in fact impact others in very real ways.

Casting Crowns- "And Now My Lifesong Sings"

Another high school story: My high school opened a new building and moved to a new campus the summer between my sophomore and junior years. This is a whole process (strangely one that I went through in middle school too) and it's a huge adjustment. Then tragically, in my Junior year our principal drove under the influence of alcohol and was killed when he drove his car into a truck. The hallways of our new building that already seemed impossibly empty seemed three times as empty without our beloved principal passing through them. Things at our school remained unsettled for many many months.

In the fall of my senior year, Casting Crowns was coming to play a concert at EMU. They were releasing their album Lifesong and I was a huge fan! Our new principal (cool fact: our new principal, Mr. Wolcott, was Brian from the story above this one) wrote their lead singer a note about our school and some of the struggles we had been through, and invited them to stop by the school when they were in Ann Arbor. It turns out that many of the members of Casting Crowns used to be youth ministers and teachers, so they love young people! They responded to the principal's letter by coming to our school to play a concert for us. It was amazing!

The band members introduced themselves to the audience and told us that they knew some of our school's story. They asked permission to pray with us and then played "And Now My Lifesong Sings".  I sat in the front row with the rest of the senior class and really prayed this song. It marked a turning point for me because it was the first time that I really felt at home in our school and at peace with all that had happened. This is one of the few songs that I can sing (my singing voice is terrible) and I still sing it to this day when I feel unsettled.

David Crowder*Band- "Wholly Yours"

In my first job as a youth minister I took a group of high school students to a David Crowder*Band concert at a nearby mega-church. The concert was amazing and the audience was made up of mostly youth groups. But in the middle of the concert a large group of adults and young people gathered up all of their things and abruptly ran out of the Church, a few members of the group were crying and the adults seemed really flustered... it was weird.

After the current song had ended the youth pastor of the church came out and explained that a youth group had just left to go to the hospital because one of their members was rescued after spending five minutes under water and they needed to be with the family. The youth pastor led us in a moment of silence for the young man and then turned the microphone back over to David Crowder.

Now this situation was horrifying for multiple reasons. First, the number one fear of any youth pastor-- and something I thankfully have never had to do-- is that you will have to bury one of your kids. It's unthinkable, and even the most seasoned youth pastors need lots of help to get through it. Young people just shouldn't die. Second, there is really no prayer that is fitting in a situation like this (thank you to whoever invented the moment of silence). What do you even say to God in this moment? If the boy lives he will undoubtedly have severe brain damage. But because he's so young our hearts just don't know how to ask for a peaceful death or a loving welcome into Eternal Life. Thirdly, David Crowder is now supposed to continue a rock concert... I was so glad that I was not him in that moment.

I'm not sure exactly what he said when he took back the microphone but it was something like, "Well brothers and sisters, what we are doing here tonight just got real, pray this with us..." and then the band played a meditative extended version of their song "Wholly Yours". It was brilliant, instead of worrying about what to pray we placed ourselves in God's Hands and trusted that giving up ourselves would be enough. This song continues to be Sacred to me and it's been played at every dark moment of my life since.

Guy Sebastian and Paulini- "Receive the Power"

First, 2008 was like my ministry-fail year and World Youth Day 2008 is still to this day one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life (note: this song was the theme song for WYD08). Things had gotten so bad for me at my job that I had already quit by the time that WYD came in July but I still went to fulfill my commitment to the kids who had signed up and because I had paid a lot of money.

Now to clarify, the group of pilgrims that I got to take to Australia were amazing and the event itself was also pretty spectacular. But while on the trip many of the same dynamics that had forced me to leave the position resurfaced and I was really miserable. There were people in the group that I just couldn't communicate with... and it was ugly... and people (including my younger sister who I am REALLY protective of) got hurt... and let's just say that many people, myself included, failed to be Christ-like.

WYD is also an interesting event because at the end... right when your tank hits empty after traveling halfway around the world and then spending a week running around whichever country it is in... everyone goes to a large field and sleeps on the ground overnight during a prayer vigil while waiting for the closing Mass. There is no way to adequately prepare for this experience, especially since traveling to Australia meant that we couldn't bring sleeping bags and tarps with us. By this point, I was DONE. I just wanted to be home. I had been barely surviving for a long time and I just couldn't any longer.

Then Guy Sebastian started singing this song as the priest moved across the stage for Eucharistic Benediction. Two of my boys came up to me during this-- and I admit I was pissed because I thought they were going to ruin the moment by asking to go to the bathroom or something-- and put their arms around me as we prayed. One of them thanked me for bringing them to WYD, the other just told me that he loved me... I have never in my life felt the arms of Jesus around me as clearly as I did in that moment.

Sure, teens minister to their youth ministers ALL of the time... but I find this the most powerful when you get a kid who not only does so intentionally but is also clued in enough to understand why he or she is really ministering to you. And these two boys met both criteria. This is an awesome song, although I think ANY song playing at that moment would have been meaningful, and I am happy to report that their ministry to me gave me enough to get through the rest of the trip and home safely.

Natalie Grant- "Held"

Many of you know that I have recently been transitioning back to life in my hometown after spending five years in Chicago attending graduate school. These first few weeks back in town have included a lot of time reconnecting with old friends, and life has been harder for many of my friends than I would have wished. I was driving home from dinner with one of my friends and I had the radio off and was just praying "Hold her, Jesus" over and over not knowing what to pray. I really struggle to pray while driving and my mind was all over the place so I thought I would turn on WMUZ and see what they were playing. The first song on was "Held" by Natalie Grant. I am normally not a Jesus-speaks-to-me-through-the-radio Christian... but c'mon... to hear a song whose main lyrics is "this is what it means to be held" after praying "Hold her, Jesus" over and over again is a pretty powerful experience. Another lyrics is "the promise was that when everything fell we'd be held" and it was like Jesus saying "I got this!" I promise to stop rolling my eyes at y'all who tell me that Jesus speaks through the radio, I believe you now!

The one where I stop getting robbed...

I am getting really excited for Pope Francis's first World Youth Day Message coming in July. The theme of these messages often chart the course for youth ministry programs around the world. To get an idea of what the tone of the message might be, I searched for other addresses that he has given to young people as Pontiff. I stumbled upon an address he gave to a group of students from Jesuit schools in Italy and Albania (see his Audience 7 June 2013).

His message to the young people was delivered in his usual simplicity but his ending comment really struck me. He wrote: "I would like to say one thing to all you young people: do not let yourselves be robbed of hope! Please, do not let yourselves be robbed of it!" It's more than advice, he is pleading with them not to allow this to happen.

Now I don't know if I still count as a "young person"… but I feel like I do. And the Pope pleading for me not to be robbed of hope was pretty powerful. It was powerful in that it helped me to realize that I am CONSTANTLY letting things rob me of my hope.

Each time I turn on the news and see that another bishop, another priest, another leader of my faith community let us down by covering up an indiscretion… I let them rob me of hope.

Each time I open my Facebook page to see people who claim to love me saying horribly mean things about anyone "who could possibly believe" what I do… I let them rob me of hope.

Each time I hear many of my friends and my politicians advocate that my religious freedom be taken away… I let them rob me of hope.

It seems that everywhere I look I see that powerful forces are making the oppressed more oppressed, the poor poorer, the sick sicker, and the hungry hungrier… and I let them rob me of hope EVERY TIME.

The Gospel reading a few weeks ago was "Pick up your cross and follow me." When I was reflecting on it I struggled to articulate a specific cross that following Christ had required me to carry that was REALLY a cross (I may not love my salary, but it is just and I can more than live on it). But now I understand…

I know the truth. I've seen glimpses of the Kingdom. I know how all of this ends… and this knowledge is an INCREDIBLE SOURCE OF HOPE. My cross is that I have to choose to live with this hope and have it constantly under attack or give it up. And I can't give it up, God has written it to deeply on my heart.

So if I won't give it up, I'm not going to let others rob me of it either. I have more than enough to go around if anyone would like me to share and I give it freely because it was freely given to me, but I will no longer let it be taken.

Thanks Pope Francis, I will be watching in Rio (via TV, #ilovethefuture).

Living it.

Stop burying the dead!

In this weekend's Gospel, Jesus says something troubling. After calling someone to discipleship, the man asks to be allowed to go and bury his father, Jesus responds "Let the dead bury their own dead; but as for you, go out and proclaim the kingdom of God." Huh? How rude of Jesus to prevent a son from burying his father… but that's not the case. Jesus liked to break laws, but he didn't break the Commandments, so it's unlikely that Jesus is encouraging a son not to honor his father.

The traditional interpretation of this passage is that Jesus doesn't accept excuses. A true disciple is one who commits to walking the path of Christ without reservation or regret. This can be seen in the next verse, where Jesus says "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God." True disciples jump in, as messy as their lives and circumstances may be, they jump ALL the way in.

But as I have been reading this passage I have begun to see a second meaning in it. Jesus can say "let the dead bury the dead" because they ALWAYS WILL. Only the living can bring others to new life, and to be a disciple means to be fully alive!

Christians bury bodies, and if the man in the Gospels simply needed an afternoon to put his father in the ground I am sure that Jesus would have said something like- "Yeah sure, but meet up with us at Mark's mom's house later!" But the man isn't asking to do this, he is asking to be allowed to go back and live "temporarily" the life in which he had no responsibility for helping his father to prepare for ETERNAL LIFE. And Jesus is like, "OH HECK NO!"

As a professional minister I get asked all of the time how to raise young people who love Christ and His Church. The only answer I ever have for this question is that we must be witnesses of our own faith and intentionally be in relationship with them. And when we choose death (a kind of spiritual zombie-hood), we are powerless to do anything but bury our dead young people. But when we REFUSE TO BE DEAD, when we unconditionally-- without reservation and regret-- choose to walk the path of Christ FULLY ALIVE, everyone, not just young people, will RISE.

But when you stop and truly think about the implications of individuals, of families, of Churches and communities standing up and refusing to bury the dead (but still responsibly put bodies in the ground), it suddenly makes the cost of discipleship not seem so high. It becomes easier to stop making excuses… and to that Jesus says, "O HECK YES!!!"

Surprising Yard Sale

The Church of Turtles has been down for the last few weeks(months) as I have finished graduate school and begun preparing for a new adventure. More on that later! Today's story:

A homeless man is having a yard sale outside of my apartment window… he is selling all of my belongings.

Now I will explain:

In advance of finishing graduate school, I have been applying to jobs all over the Midwest in the hope of entering full-time ministry. Because I didn't know where I would be living, or what I would need in the living arrangement, I didn't make plans for what to do with all of the STUFF I have accumulated in the last five years.

Somewhat unexpectedly I got a job REALLY close to my original home (like 1 mile). This is a blessing for many reasons but specifically because it allows me to move in with my parents until I can process my loan-repayment paperwork and qualify for the young-youth-minister-welcomed-into-poverty-repayment-plan.

I have moved/sold most of my furniture in the apartment, but the rest of the stuff now seems like "junk". My parents have no need for 7 mis-matched place settings, or for my take-out container tupperware collection (among other things). Since I didn't make a plan for any of this stuff I have been throwing it all away. It's not worth anything to me. In fact, I have complained all year that I lived in such as small space and could not entertain and get "nicer things". It was somewhat cathartic to throw out too… like I was shedding baggage before starting a new adventure.

On my last trip to the dumpster a man approached me and offered to sell me four plates for $0.10 each. I declined and told him that I had no need for plates. I then noticed that they were the same plates that I had thrown out earlier. The man offered to show me the rest of his items, and I looked across the concrete ledge under my apartment's window and saw my frying-pan with chipping teflon, my food stained Tupperware, my floor rugs, my ice cream scoop with cracked handle, and my worn cutting boards-- all for sale.

"Some whack job kid must be moving and throwing all of this good stuff out!" the man explained. I was stunned, I didn't know what to say, I couldn't admit to being the wasteful person he was accusing me of being. I live in a pretty poor neighborhood and yet seeing the poverty of my neighbors didn't give me an appreciation for the blessings that I had.

I was able to watch from my window as he sold my things for very low prices (my frying pan earned him 75 cents). I took down two more boxes of items and invited the man to sell them, I think he later understood that I had been the one throwing it all away. I felt bad for him, but he looked me straight in the eye like he felt bad for me. It was a humbling experience.

Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said, "You lack one thing; go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me." When he heard this, he was shocked and went away grieving, for he had many possessions. -Mark 10:21-22 

An End to War

This Lent I invite you to join in fasting and prayer to cry out to God on behalf of the victims of war- in particular the thousands of civilian men, women and children who have been killed and wounded in Afghanistan and Iraq this past decade- and those who work for peace. We must also pray for the end to all war, including an end to the use of private armies and flying robots to wage "unofficial war".

I've realized how distanced we have become from the experience of war. First, we are far removed from war's victims, including the wounded soldiers from our own country. Second, the voices of those speaking against war, especially civilians and leaders in the occupied counties, are silenced. Also, we've begun to believe that wars bring peace. A classic example- President Wilson proclaimed that WWI would be "the war to end all wars" but instead it was the first of many wars in the bloodiest century of human history.

The Christian responsibility to oppose war is clear. John Dear, S.J. said it best when writing in the National Catholic Reporter in September:

"Jesus always, always, always sides with those most marginalized, threatened and hurt by the culture of war, beginning with [civilian men and] women and children. If we Christians take the Gospel seriously, then we know the nonviolent Jesus grieves for these women, welcomes them into paradise, and holds in contempt the forces of death that killed them. In other words, the nonviolent Jesus cares -- and so should we who claim to follow him."

Further, the Catechism of the Catholic Church states:

The fifth commandment forbids the intentional destruction of human life. Because of the evils and injustices that accompany all war, the Church insistently urges everyone to prayer and to action so that the divine Goodness may free us from the ancient bondage of war.

Regulars to this blog may note that Cardinal Bernardin's principle of the "Consistent Ethic of Life" cries out for an end to war and should motivate all who consider ourselves pro-life to do the same.

Now this isn't to say that the problems we set out to "solve" with war are not serious or that they should be ignored. Genocide cannot continue, terrorism cannot continue, human slavery and tyranny cannot continue. But it takes brave men and women to step outside of the boxes created by Nationalism and our Permanent War hysteria to come up with alternatives. I understand that many will stop reading at this point because they themselves cannot see an alternative to our current conflicts, I will admit that my limited mind cannot either, but the Church Fathers in Gaudium et Spes state that complexity is not an excuse for abandoning opposition to war and the pursuit of peace. Writing of leaders already working for peace, the Council Fathers said:

"Support should be given to the good will of the very many leaders who work hard to do away with war, which they abominate. These men [and women], although burdened by the extremely weighty preoccupations of their high office, are nonetheless moved by the very grave peacemaking task to which they are bound, even if they cannot ignore the complexity of matters as they stand. We should fervently ask God to give these men [and women] the strength to go forward perseveringly and to follow through courageously on this work of building peace with vigor. It is a work of supreme love for [hu]mankind. Today it certainly demands that they extend their thoughts and their spirit beyond the confines of their own nation, that they put aside national selfishness and ambition to dominate other nations, and that they nourish a profound reverence for the whole of humanity, which is already making its way so laboriously toward greater unity."

So in whatever way is appropriate to you, I invite you to join me in offering prayers and fasting on behalf of the victims of war and of those who work for peace.

To remind myself to pray for these victims daily, and to increase my hope in the Kingdom of God, I have committed to memory and daily recitation the following excerpt from the Canticle of Zechariah (Luke 1: 68-79):

In the tender compassion of our Lord
The dawn from on high shall break upon us,
to shine on those who dwell in darkness
And the shadow of death,
And to guide our feet into the way of peace.

I wish you all a profound and prayer-filled Lenten season. I look forward to celebrating the Resurrection with each and every one of you! Pray for peace, turtles!